Enough With the F*cking Positive Vibes Already!
When you think of happiness, do you think of yourself twirling around in a field, Sound of Music style? I don’t! I think of pressure. Pressure to find this elusive thing, this magical elixir that’s going to make everything worth it - even if only for a fleeting second. And when I do feel happiness - and this sounds a bit ridiculous to admit - I kind of panic.
By Meg Kissack
Instead of this fabulous thing to grab with both hands, happiness has become this foreboding and uncomfortable feeling. See, my brain has a tendency to catastrophise and a penchant for magical thinking. If you’ve ever struggled with anxiety, you can probably relate.
Somewhere along the way, my brain has conflated happiness and fear. It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I’ve moved from joy to worrying about the next bad thing to happen quicker than I can say ‘positive vibes’.
Now, I get it, life is hard enough as it is, and sometimes you have to really try and find a reason to smile. But what I am absolutely against is this whole emphasis on ‘positive-vibes-only’, and all this shit about what you put out is what you attract. The problem with positive-vibes-only is that life takes a very complicated and nuanced thing and pretends it’s just as simple as just thinking positive thoughts.
For anyone who’s gone through a truly shitty thing and been told to look on the bright side or to find the lesson, it’s not only frustrating; it’s fucking insulting.
As much as I love bright colours and as loud as my laugh is, I know all too well - like all of us - that life can be really ugly. Life is messy, and we need to have language and space for that. And when you’re surrounded by a society that shoves faux positivity shit at us from all angles, it erodes that space and language.
And when you’re surrounded by friends and everyone online who are drinking the positive vibes kool-aid? Well, Alice Walker said it best: “No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” Because it is both silencing and denies your right to grow.
We grow silent because we don’t want to be told, yet again, that it’s our limiting beliefs that are holding us back. We’re sick of sharing our realities only to be met with more sickening platitudes about being positive. It’s a bit like when those of us with depression are encouraged to pull ourselves together or just cheer up. If it was that simple, A) we’d be doing it, and B), we’d have figured that out for ourselves already, thank you very much.
Faux positivity is a way of dealing with the uncomfortableness that often surrounds the messiness of life. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes things are just plain shit and unfair, but rather than sit with us in that grey area, toxic positivity fills that space.
A friendship should allow for complexities and nuance. Supportive spaces should allow space to celebrate and commiserate. So go and seek those places that create space for messiness. Seek out the people who will accept you on your good days and your grey days. Run away from those who repeatedly tell you (to your face or via a mug) to ‘think positive’ or remind you that ‘your vibe attracts your tribe.’
Instead, make space for those who will encourage your growth, even if it’s incredibly messy. And, if, like me, happiness has become a pressured thing, one thing I’ve found really helpful is to change the wording. When things are feeling good, happiness feels like too much, but contentment? I can lean into that.
